As I stare upon this torn picture, wishing that I had never torn this part away, I try to remember what it was like when the picture was taken. How could it possibly have gotten this far? As I flip through the photo album, I see my daughter’s wonderful smile.
She was coming home from a date with Drew and she was happy. Today she came home different than the other times, with a frown on her face. She eventually comes and tells me that she they had broken up. I didn’t ask why or what happened, I was just there and I consoled her and hugged her. I sat there as I hugged my best friend, my daughter, my own flesh and blood.
After several months had passed by, someone had later came up to me and told me that they saw her with her a girl walking by the shore and they were pretty close to each other. Well they were friends so I assumed that they were together and having fun. I trusted her so it was fine. Then the same person came to me and showed me images that she wasn’t in fact friends with this girl, that they were actually together and dating each other. I did not want to believe it because well it wasn’t really great proof, but then I started to ask my daughter who was this girl that she was with. She said nothing was going on and that they were just friends. I brushed off what the source told me. Then some other people of my community asked about the other girl, so I started to get suspicious and wonder what was going on.
I notice that she has been acting differently and leaving herself in her room more and more. We don’t really talk as often as we had done before. I needed to confront her about this, it was on my mind and I had to find out for myself if what they are saying is true or not.
I had just returned home from volunteering at the church and found this opportunity to speak to her. I went and grabbed myself a glass of water. I didn’t want anyone else to hear this conversation so I locked us inside. I wasn’t about to leave until I got what I wanted to know.
I said, “Something is going on, I can tell. Talk to me what is it? I won’t leave until you tell me.”
“What are you talking about,” she said wondering what I was talking about.
I laid it out to what was going on and what I’ve been hearing about her. I also noticed that she acted differently, and I even think she changed the style of her clothes recently. At first she said that she did drugs before, but only once. She then said she was struggling with the idea that she is not straight and is gay. When she had said this the color on my face drained, I could not bear to look at my daughter at that moment, even as she left the room and went out.
It was late and she decides to come back home.
“Where have you been, it’s late?” I asked.
She just simply responded, “Out.”
“You haven’t been out with others…other gay…people…have you?”
She replied, “It wouldn’t change anything if you knew or didn’t.”
“I know what’s best for you, I’m your mother, and I don’t want you to be around those kinds of people. They’re influencing you!”
I thought we had some trust between us. There were supposed to be no secrets, she was my best friend, my only friend. I know my daughter. I don’t know why she is doing this. I know this is not her. I always want the best for her; I always try to make her happy. I want her to listen to me. When she had left I had gone out to the church to pray. I didn’t tell anyone. I can’t let anyone know. I don’t want her to spend time wit her, I don’t want them to be together. I feel that whatever I ask for in prayer will be received and I need her to pray as well.
This child of mine feels that she is different and just doesn’t want to listen to me when I know what she truly is. I know her well enough. What did I do wrong as a mother? Where did I go wrong? There is supposed to signs at an early age and stuff, that’s what others say, but I didn’t see any. The only reason that she is this way that makes sense is that she is on drugs. They probably make her believe that it is right, when it really isn’t.
If she wont listen to me, maybe she will listen to other people. But even the psychologists and doctors could not make her change otherwise. They could not get to her. I don’t know what can help her if they can’t. the power of God was strong. I believed making her go to mass and pray and think about making herself become better would make things right again in her. That she would become healed by God and make her become my little child.
She would come home everyday and sit in her room, and even at night, I could hear her wake to tears. I would wonder what she’s thinking and what would be in those dreams that makes her feel that way. She shuts the door to her room as she shuts the door away from me and those in the house as well.
As the family was away at church and she stayed behind because she had a lot of work to do the night before and she needed to rest, we went out without her and left her behind so that she can possibly get some rest. Although she would have been alone at home for awhile. When I return, it is pretty cold as the rain drops hit the window and slid down the pane. My other child, the younger sister, sits by the windowsill watching the rain. I go into the kitchen to start the dinner. Later on the little one goes into the bathroom and shrieks and screams in a frantic wail and runs into the kitchen. I cant understand half of what she is saying, she tugs me out of the kitchen in her frantic tears and wailing and into the bathroom.
There in the tub in front of me, I see my older child. I see my best friend, or what was left of my best friend. I stand there holding onto the door frame with my mouth wide open in astonishment. I no longer could stand there anymore, I slowly slid down the doorframe and sat there rocking back and forth. I went over to hug my younger child. I my mind went completely blank as I sat in sorrow and wept. Sitting there for what felt like a lifetime I could not absorb what I saw. I sat frozen in time from the second I saw what she had done. I didn’t want to see this anymore. I couldn’t handle it.
I went over to drain the tub and as I sit and watch the water wash away her pain and sorrow, I felt a piece of me drift away. A piece that I can never get back again. Oh my god, what am I to do? I’m stuck and lost and now I can never erase what has happened.
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