journal 8: draft 2

This war left me scarred and broken. It left me torn and unfixable. My comrades, whom have grown to be my new family, have died beside me as gunshots fire everywhere at any given point of the day. We were slowly surrounded and there was no hope to live because we were trapped. My thoughts led me to the worst, and not knowing whether to live by my comrades or grovel in my own demise, I felt the heavy weight of the gun in my hands that was grounding me. Locked and loaded, I aimed and fired.
The only thing that I could remember was the white light and the peace and tranquility that I had felt. I was finally away from this all. Color began to enter slowly through the white background and I fell back into reality where I was placed. I wonder where I am. The sharp pain I felt on my shoulder pulls me back to reality instantly as I try to see what was beside me. Gloomy faces, distraught and ruined by the reality of battle.
Waking in the middle of the night, screaming in pain, never feeling safe, sweat rolls down my face as I cannot escape this nightmare. I spend every moment at home feeling vulnerable and surrounded.
The war is surrounding me. It wont let me go. Even if the bandages on my arms keeps me grounded, I have nothing for me. Just as my soul, I wander about in the streets holding the only thing that can help me, a bottle. I enter a bar, order another beer and while drinking it, the world spins and it all turns white. Entering a light place where I felt nothing.
No heavy weight on my chest that held me from taking a full breath. Feeling lighter, I saw the battlefield again. I saw a leader giving up, and not fighting anymore. I saw how others turned to see how their leader was falling apart and they decided to give up themselves. I saw how I failed those that I should have taken care of. I saw the mistakes I made that cost them their lives, while here I am. As I fall back into the reality and the weight comes down upon me, I stumble home and notice the emptiness and hollowness as my girlfriend packed up and left, possibly unable to bear the pain I brought to her after the war. I see this opportunity for change. To change my ways and start anew. I see that I need to become a better leader and not bring others down.